June 4th, 2014

The past several months have been filled with dreams. Dreams where you are with me, dreams where I tell people of you and dreams where I realize that I've lost you all over again.

These past months, you have haunted me daily and nightly.

Once, in the beginning, I tried to escape you with the hazy way that wine makes everything just a little softer around the edges; but at times alcohol, especially red wine, can have the opposite effect where it only makes your existence more real to me. Instead of escaping my thoughts of you, you and the pain of losing you are magnified in me.

Your existence brought me such miraculous joy. Every day, I woke not quite believing that you were with me. Your presence made me so happy that at times, I felt like I was having an outer body experience because it was unbelievable that you were with me! But you were with me, and I was overjoyed!

The second that I learned that you were with me was one of the most remarkable, breathtaking days of my life, of which I will never forget. And I loved you and I loved what having you with me was going to mean for my life. I grieve that you aren't here when you were supposed to be. But God is good and He has been good to me. And, although it’s extremely hard, I trust that if you were supposed to be with me you would have been.

Sometimes saying that to myself makes me feel better, but feeling better about you not being here when, in my mind, you were supposed to only lasts for a moment. Even as those moments of sadness become fewer and fewer, they are not few enough. When those moments catch me they sometimes catch me off guard; and when those moments come, they come hard like a brick.

My lose of you hits me harder than anything I've ever been hit by in my life. And when I’m hit by the grief of losing you, no matter how hard I try to reel it in, I can’t take it back and I can’t control it. My grief of losing you consumes me completely; mind, heart and body, regardless of where I am or what I’m doing. It’s as if everything around me has been paused and all I see, all I feel, all I breathe is my lose of you.

I thought I was strong, but the physical and emotional pain of losing you brought me to my knees. I’ve always tried to be strong, because life just isn’t easy, and the only way I could think to move through life’s unpleasantries was to put one foot in front of the other even when I felt like collapsing to the ground. Even in those times, I’ve always been able to dust myself off and move forward. I wasn’t entirely whole to begin with, but you broke me, Dear Angel.

The way I was after you left me, Dear Angel, made me afraid. Who knew darkness could last for so long? I didn’t know that I could lose myself in such a way. I didn’t know that I could go to such a dark, dark place and I was really scared that I wouldn’t be able to find my way back to myself. I’m mostly back, but I’ll never be the same again.

You’ve changed me, Dear Angel, you changed us forever. With your existence, two separates became one and we'll never forget you, because you were our first. Even when the others come, we will still think of you.

I told myself that maybe I shouldn't write this because what if I lose who comes after you and who comes after them? I don’t think I could bear it, but I’ll cross that bridge if, God forbid, I come to it. Life is unstable and the truth is that I will have worse things than your lose to face. The reality is that there's no getting around life’s instabilities.

Those who haven’t experienced this type of lose might think I’m dwelling, but my lose of you isn’t something I can shake. I am a thinker, been a thinker since the day I was born. I think of you every day and even when/if the daily thoughts of you fade you will always be in my heart and on my mind.

You changed me, Dear Angel, when I lost you, I lost some of the fight in me. Some of the fight in me was immature and unnecessary, but some of the fight in me is what kept me motivated; a lot of the wind has been knocked out of my sails and I just don’t have the energy, the oomph I had before you came along. Now, I’m utterly exhausted.

The only thing that continues to save me is God and Jesus and our Edward-Angel who continues to pull me out of the darkness with his love. Getting through losing you would have been a million times harder if God didn't show him how to rescue me.

The only thing that saves me is the happy, loving images projected from my heart to my mind that I can only hope will be fulfilled.

At this time, of this year I would have become someone new because of you. I would have entered a role that I feel I was born to live. I was glad and ready for the sacrifices I would have had to make because of you. Because for you, it would have all been worth it. I like to know, need to know everything. I like to have answers, but there are no answers for why I wasn't allowed to have you in my life.

I wish I could keep you to myself, because some things are supposed to remain private, but I can’t because I’m a writer and my words aren't only for me. There’s a stirring that happens in me right before the words come and I couldn’t ignore it. I live for stories. I just wish I had different stories to tell about you and about all of the joys you were bringing us because you were here. We’re sorry that you aren't, but we can only trust that there is a reason why.

~ With all of my love.